


The Past Comes Back to Haunt Us

by th3ghoti



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: And they love him too, Caleb Widogast has a Mind Palace, Caleb Widogast's Backstory, Caleb Widogast-centric, Caleb loves the Nein, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Warning: Trent Ikithon, its pretty minor but its there, prob more warnings to come, this is a pretty vague list
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:02:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27929443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/th3ghoti/pseuds/th3ghoti
Summary: Caleb loves the Nein and he'd do anything for them, that we know. "Everything" includes going to meet a foreign mage that may or may not remember him, but Caleb sure has some unpleasant memories regarding this mysterious mage.Or, a spin on how Caleb and Yussa met/knew each other
Relationships: Yussa Errenis & Caleb Widogast
Comments: 14
Kudos: 82





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my fine fiends. This is actually the first piece I've written for CR, but I've been a critter for a while. I love Caleb. I also love angst. So the happy medium? Angsty Caleb. Yes I am a coward and this is pretty chill by comparison to other works, but I'm warming up to bigger stuff. 
> 
> Comments are welcome and appreciated and please tell me if I miss anything in the tags, tagging is smth I haven't quite gotten the hang of. 
> 
> Anyways, about the story. I can't get over how Liam plays Caleb in situations involving other mages. Cause it's just so damn raw and real. Caleb's past greatly affects how he sees Yussa when they first meet, but what if he already knew him? The possibilities are great. So here, have this story that I wrote when I was probably sleep deprived and sad that I couldn't watch the most recent episode live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like the first chapter. I'm still writing right now, so I don't know how I'll divide up the next couple of chapters. I can tell you... there will be at least 2. Wow, shocker. I know.
> 
> Anyways... Comments and Kudos are always welcome and PLEASE tell me if I missed stuff in the tags, I'm pretty new at this!

Caleb remembers a lot. In fact, if you ask any of the Nein, they would say he remembers everything. The only problem with remembering everything? ‘Everything’ isn’t only good things.

Caleb remembers his sleepless nights at the Academy as if he lived them yesterday. How long nights started as studying and over the years evolved into torture. He remembers all of it.

So when the Nein decide to head south to the coast, he is thankful to leave the familiarity of the Empire for a while. New memories can help ~~erase~~ ease the old ones. Not that he deserves it, but he can do his best to protect his friends when he’s not constantly haunted by his past. He knows he doesn’t deserve to forget, but his friends do deserve his attention.

So when the Nein want to go to Nicodranas to see Jester’s mother, he is happy (or as happy as he can be) to go along. Jester should be able to go home. She definitely deserves to have a home, unlike him.

And when the Nein learn of a wizard by the name of Yussa Errenis and feel the need to have some questions answered or allies gained, why should he object. Even if he does remember the name and, although it takes a moment, the exact time and place he heard it. Why should deny them what their group needs: allies.

It isn’t his place to ask them to reconsider. The ~~decency~~ kindness they showed him by not killing him on the spot after he told them what he was. A murderer. A horrible, disgusting person. ~~A victim~~. He should be grateful they haven’t turned him away at the least.

Yussa probably won’t remember him. Right? He was a different man then, a boy still. And although he carries the like of Bren Aldrich Ermundrud, that isn’t him anymore. ~~Right?~~

He had only met Yussa once. The mage had been in Rexxentrum discussing possible alliances with the Assembly. He didn’t know how the meetings had ended, but he could guess from the week following. Master Ikithon had been mad.

So Yussa had refused to ally himself with the Assembly, that didn’t mean anything. He could still be just like Caleb’s old master. All Caleb had to go on was the 3 or 4 hours that he had had in the presence of the foreign mage. He hadn’t sounded similar to Master Ikithon, he didn’t hold the same cold, quiet fury. He commanded respect, yes, but so did any other magic user worth their salt.

Caleb couldn’t count himself safe until he could spend some time by himself and truly reflect on what he could remember or Yussa. But for now, he needs to keep up with the Nein.

==========

“You guys! Look at thees! Thees bakery here has the best pastries EVER. And thees shop is where I got my first dresses when I was reelly leetle!” Jester joyously explained in her lilting accent as she led them through the bustling streets.

“And thees is where I grew up!” She shared as they rounded the street corner on an incredible building. The Lavish Chateau.

The chateau was beautiful and it was a wonderful respite from the stressful, busy streets of the port town of Nicodranas.

Jester got them all rooms and introduced them to all her friends at her childhood home. An odd place for a child to grow up to be sure, but Jester was the kindest of them all, so it couldn’t be too bad.

As Caleb found himself alone in his room, he sat on the floor leaning against the bed. The room was as beautiful as the rest of the house and it made him feel smaller, dirtier. Like he didn’t belong. I don’t belong. His mind supplied.

He had locked the door, though if his friends truly wanted to get in they easily could, saying that he needed rest. Nott had asked if he was ok.

“Ja, I’m gut.” He’d lied. His mind had been running a mile a minute, but she shouldn’t have to worry about him. Caduceus had given him a cup of tea and he looked down and realized he was still holding, the warm porcelain in his hand a grounding factor.

That might be a problem.

He set the mug on the nightstand.

Focus, Ja? This can’t be that hard. He hadn’t done this in a while, getting lost in his thoughts and memories. He normally didn’t have time or he was too tired to go through the ordeal of explaining what he was doing. Here though, he shouldn’t have to. They had their individual rooms and it would be much easier to lie when he knew that no one would be watching before they asked what he was doing, they would simply walk in on him. On the floor.

It wouldn’t be too hard to explain. Or lie about. There would be no explaining. The Nein would ask too many questions, but he had to be ready. Going into a wizard's tower blind, never a good idea.

He let his mind drift for a moment then honed in on thoughts of the Academy, of Trent. His mind began to take a dark turn, leading him down the corridors of Master Ikithon’s house. He didn’t have time to unpack that tonight, he was looking for something specific.

There. Yussa Errenis.  
He let his mind slip into the train of the past.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyy, I'm back! With a new chapter no less. I had some trouble editing this and couldn't get my software to work, so fair warning, there are probably a lot of mistakes. I'll go back in later and fix them once my computer wants to work ;) I just wanted to get this chapter out.
> 
> This chapter is pretty chill, but poor Bren, always assuming the worst. It's fully in the past and I think the next one might be too? I'll see how it folds out, I've got a basic outline. This one is also a little longer so, here, go enjoy.
> 
> If I've missed any tags, please point them out!
> 
> Without further adieu, enjoy!

“Bren, Master Ikithon wanted to speak with you.” Eodwulf stopped him as he had been walking through the hall. 

“Ok, Wulf. Danke.” He changed his course from the dorms to Master Ikithon’s office. Eodwulf joined him. “Do you know what he wanted to discuss?” Bren thought he knew, but he was trying to keep his tone light. Eodwulf had been away with Astrid in Zadash and Bren had failed a test. He knew what was coming, Eodulf didn’t need to. Or at least not until Bren came dejectedly stumbling into their shared room tonight, injuries proof of his failure.

It wasn’t Wulf’s problem. He’d handle himself until he knew he was about to collapse, then he would do so into the arms of the only two people in the world he trusted, Astrid and Wulf. But the times between them where one of them was recovering from a particularly bad lesson were always silent, as if they were afraid they would be reprimanded for showing basic decency to one another. They probably would be, but Bren was sure their master must know what they did on those nights. There was very little Master Ikithon did not know about the trio. 

“He never said.” Wulf seemingly caught the tense of Bren’s shoulders and sighed. He stopped in the hall, grabbing Bren’s hand and looking into his eyes searchingly. “What happened while we were away. How bad is it going to be.”

“You’ll know tonight, Schatz.” Wulf looked concerned. 

“Are you going to be ok?”

“I have to be, ja? When have I not been?”

“Ja, I suppose you’re right.”

They began walking again, making their strides ever so slightly longer to make up for lost time. Wulf departed as they walked up one last flight of stairs and headed back down after whispering comforting condolences in Bren’s ear. You’ll be ok, he said. 

He wondered where Eodwulf was going as he walked to the door, pausing only a moment before knocking. He heard voices from the inside, one the unmistakable voice of Master Ikithon and the other unfamiliar, though calm and collected. 

“Come in.” replied the familiar voice through the door. 

Bren twisted the knob and opened the door. He straightened his shoulders as he walked in the room, standing respectfully by the door before being summoned up to Master Ikithon’s desk. The quick glance he got of the stranger filled in a few details, although many were still missing. An elven man, dark tan skin (Marquesian then?), and stark white, well-groomed hair. He stood rather short for an elf, but he radiated power and confidence in the stance and posture. Bren hoped he could achieve that aura one day. 

He knew he did not reach near the goal now. He was doing his best to keep from showing his nervousness. He hated the anticipation of being anywhere near Master Ikithon. Although he appreciated greatly when he was rewarded for his achievements, anything less than satisfactory performance or behavior and he would end up at the complete mercy of Master Ikithon. Not something he enjoyed, but a point was always made, a lesson always learned.

“This is Bren Ermendrud, one of my students.” This was directed at the stranger and thus Bren had no reason to react. Just stand, eyes on the floor, hands folded at your back, and do as you’re told, it’ll be over soon. He paused the train of thought. 

There was something in Master Ikithon’s voice, pride? No, Bren was here for punishment, damn the presence of a foreign mage(?). That hadn’t stopped anything before, why would it now? But it was impossible to ignore the tone of his voice, perhaps this wasn’t going to be as terrible as he first thought. 

The stranger spoke now, his voice quiet but strong and he enunciated in a way to make Bren believe he must be an arcane caster. His other suspicions were correct as well, his accent matched those of the few coastal folk Bren had met. “It is a pleasure to meet you, Bren. My name is Yussa Errenis.”

Bren chanced a glance up at these words. Master Ikithon gave him a significant look and he approached the pair. “The pleasure is mine, Master Errenis.” He accompanied his words with a bow, just low enough to be respectful.

“I have heard many a good word about you Bren. It sounds like you make a promising practitioner of the arcane.”

“Ah, thank you.” This encounter was going very different from what he had anticipated. He was not entirely upset by the unexpected turn of events. He did feel awkward though. 

“Yussa, if you would be so inclined, perhaps Bren could give you a short tour of the Academy grounds before our official meeting this evening.” This gave Bren chills. He did NOT want to give a tour, there were so many places he could go wrong and he was not as skilled with people as he was with books. Of course, his face showed none of that, just a friendly smile at the mention. 

“That does sound like a good way to spend the day before tonight.”

“Wonderful.” Master Ikithon moved over Bren’s right shoulder and Bren tensed at the touch. While schooling himself back to neutrality, he must have missed an exchange between the two archmages because when he next focused on the situation, he saw the tails of Master Errenis’ robes in the doorway before he was alone in the room with Master Ikithon. 

“Bren, I trust you will make me proud?” There was a threatening edge to Master Ikithon’s voice as he spoke in hushed tones directly into Bren’s ear from behind. “There is much riding on Yussa’s cooperation with the Assembly.”

“I will not disappoint you, Master.” Bren did his best to keep his voice even, there were so many ways this next couple of hours could go poorly.

“Good, I expect only the best. You know what to keep secret as well, yes? No excess information should be given beyond what is standard.” This was something that they often went over, what was it ok to share in situations where information had to be given. The two most prominent being questions from other Archmages or what you could give up if you were captured. 

Both lists were dreadfully short in Bren’s opinion, hardly enough substance to make the receiving end trust you. But he had to make do with what he was given. A mage is only as powerful as he is resourceful. 

“You will be of any use he requires until the meeting this evening, is that clear?” That made Bren shudder, his composure disappearing for but a moment before he could quickly gather himself again. He had little to no idea what this Yussa was like or what he might request.

“I will be of service in any way I can.”

Ikithon’s hand left his shoulder after an uncomfortable silence and he moved back behind his desk.

“What are you waiting for Bren? You have something to take care of.” 

“Ja - Yes, of course.” Bren gave a short bow as he walked to the door. Pausing only a moment to bolster himself before he opened it and stepped out. 

Yussa wasn’t facing him, instead, he was looking out a window across the narrow hall. This window overlooked the front lawns and was one of the nicer views of the small compound. Bren supposed it was all for the dignitaries and formal meetings, he doubted Master Ikithon had any care where his office was placed.

Bren’s footsteps echoed for a moment in the quiet of the hall as he approached Yussa, standing only a few paces behind. 

“Master Errenis, if you are ready we may begin the tour?” Yussa turned around and gave Bren a long look. It made him uncomfortable, he always felt so small in front of prying eyes. He did his best to stand up straighter. 

Yussa must have been satisfied or at least not curious enough to ask the questions so obviously dancing in his eyes. Part of himself hoped he could prove himself by answering any inquiries Yussa might pose, the other part reminded him helpfully of the agonizing effects of answering any of the questions wrong. ‘You are being counted on, ja? Pull yourself together.’

“Where would you suggest going first?” Yussa started with an inquiry, this could be a test? Is there a wrong answer to a suggestion? Of course there is, but what?

“There is a very vast library that is also near some of our research facilities if you would be so interested?” That sounds safe. Yussa is a mage, he is sure of that now. He’d appreciate a library.

“A good idea.” Bren let out a small breath. ‘Gut, gut. Just keep this up for 3 or 4 more hours, ja?’ Bren gave a nod of acknowledgment.

“Then if you would please follow me Master Errenis.” 

They began their walk to the library, Bren pointing out different doors they walked past. They only passed two other people on their walk, a visitor Bren did not know the name of and Astrid. With the nature of the brief sight of each other, all they could manage was a small nod, but it did wonders to help calm Bren. ‘Get through this.’ He thought. ‘You’ve handled so much worse than this…’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading. Sheesh! This is the best something of mine has ever done, so thanks my fine fiends!!
> 
> Love you guys so much and remember to love yourself too! Stay safe!
> 
> Comments and Kudos welcome! Have a great day/evening/night!
> 
> ==========
> 
> Quick thing / minor spoilers for the most recent episode (c2e118): I'm so proud of Travis!! The scene with Fjord and Jester was adorable and I greatly appreciate some fluff in these dark times.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our boy does some reflecting. That's really it...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry my fine fiends, this is a bit of a filler chapter while I'm doing some editing and school work. Exams suck. Hope you like this little bit!
> 
> There's some reference to his time with Trent, so warning for that. Not graphic though I might fill in details later if the mood strikes.

That day had gone well enough, all things considered. He had guided Yussa around the Candles and a little beyond before Yussa was concerned about his time frame for the evening. Caleb had led him back to his room. That was where it started to go downhill. 

Yussa began asking questions. They started easy: What school of magic are you partial to? How long have you been at the Academy? All easy to answer, not much thought required. 

It was around the time Caleb had been getting minorly comfortable in Yussa’s presence that he asked what the scars on his arms were from. Caleb had fumbled over a stupid answer. A lie. He can’t even recall what he had said, but the mage didn’t believe him. 

He didn’t blame Yussa, his answer had been half baked at best. Yussa had pressed for the truth and Caleb had relented. Not all of it, but more than he should have. He was terrified when Yussa sent him away immediately, anger in his voice. He was terrified when he walked back to Master Ikithon’s office.

The rest of the night had gone very poorly. He had been foolish to think that Master Ikithon would not have time enough to punish him, he had a meeting after all and the Assembly talked quite a bit. 

He had returned to Ikithon’s office head held high. Master Ikithon had seen right through his facade. He told Caleb to wait, standing as he was, until he returned. When he had just about left the room, he turned back and promised hell. 

Caleb had done as he was told. That didn’t make what came any better. He was broken and bloody by the time Ikithon was done with him. He wasn’t permitted to see Astrid or Wulf and he spent the night locked in one of the dark experiment rooms downstairs. 

Caleb still had nightmares about that night. He had never asked what happened, but he assumed that Yussa didn’t make whatever deal that had been proposed. He  _ was  _ told that what happened was his fault, not that he knew what actually transpired. 

Pulling himself from his memories, Caleb sat for a moment. He was sure of only one thing, he wasn’t confident about his chances. Of course Yussa would remember him, he had made quite the impression. 

Caleb had no idea why Yussa had gotten mad. At the time, Caleb took the anger as directed at him, but now he wasn’t so sure. That didn’t make this decision to visit him any smarter. 

Maybe he could ask to stay behind, then Yussa would only hear about him in reputation and not have a chance to see him. That would never happen. 

The Nein would want to know why. “Why don’t you want to visit the powerful  ~~ scary  ~~ mage, Caleb? He can help you!” He could just picture how far that conversation would get before the inevitable reveal of information he didn’t really want the Nein to know. 

They knew too much already. 

There was a knock on the door that startled him. “Uh Caleb? Caduceus wanted me to let you know there was tea ready and dinner being prepared.”

It was Beau. Not the person he really expected to hear knocking on his door telling him to come to dinner. Nott had probably asked her too. “Danke, Beau. I am not sure if I’ll join you, I am not feeling so well.”

“Tea’ll probably help then you idiot.” There was a muffled sound of ouch and a thud. “What the hells, Jester. Ow!”

“Beau was trying to say she cares about you and thinks tea might help!” Caleb wished he had opened the door if only to see what had just transpired. He laughed quietly to himself. 

“Duly noted mine blue Frauen. I will see how I feel in a little while.” There was more hushed whispering followed by footsteps leaving. 

“Jester said I could get you some tea and then leave you alone. That sound reasonable?” It sounded forced on Beau’s end but Caleb just snickered again. 

“Ja Beauregard, that sounds gut.”

“Dammit! You were supposed to say no!” Beau left in a hurry of footsteps down the hall and Caleb was alone again. 

Beau returned in a few minutes with tea and pastries he could assume were from both Caduceus and Jester. He thanked her and she laughed and flicked him off “Get it yourself next time you nerd.” Good-hearted banter. 

She also confirmed they were going to see Yussa the next day. 

‘ _ There is no avoiding the inevitable I suppose…’  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. Not much as I said, but the good n awkward angsty stuff is coming soon! Hope everyone is having a good of a time as possible this holiday season. Stay safe!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter of the build-up to the inevitable meeting with Yussa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ughhhhh. I'm sorry my fine fiends. This is a short chapter. My computer keyboard was out of service for about two weeks and I didn't feel like editing from my phone, so this never even got opened up. Apparently, past-me thought that it was ok to stop here and not write anymore for future-me to find and be glad to post. Thus, a ridiculously short chapter, that I am posting to 1) say sorry 2) say that I'm still here and not consumed by sadness that CR is on hiatus.

The Open Quay was a foreboding building: a tall tower belonging to an eccentric mage who had quarrels with the Concord, sounds mysterious enough. Caleb would have been ecstatic to visit someone he knew more about, but this encounter could go downhill fast.

They really didn’t have a solid contingency plan in place if something were to go wrong. What worried Caleb most was anything they could do could very well fall short. Yussa was powerful, that he knew.

The thing about doing something you don’t want to do is that once you’ve set the ball in motion, there’s no turning back. Jester knocked against the side of the town, her face in a false pensive state. She claimed she knew a secret knock, but it was all for show. That, Caleb could admire. Her courage, confidence, but willingness to have a good laugh. She was always prepared to be herself. 

Neither Jester nor the rest of the Nein were nearly apprehensive enough about meeting this mage. So much could go wrong...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry peeps. I'm enjoying my working keyboard and having to finish up things that piled up in between when it broke and when I fixed it. 
> 
> As compensation, let me suggest a fic that you cant read while you stew in your disappointment for me: Payment by HyperKid. It's real snazzy and one of the first fics that made me realize I wanted to write a scene between Caleb and Yussa.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two of the Nein are invited into the tower, you know how it went.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHHHH. I'M BACK BABY!
> 
> This has taken so long, the start of the year is always a mess with the end of the first semester and the start of the second. Anyways, I come bearing a new (and longer than last time, if by a little) chapter!
> 
> I promise we're getting to the good stuff soon. I promise. But build-up is so fun, without it, the end wouldn't feel as good. Right? I know, I know, the lies of a writer. But give me a chance ok?

With the sound of a calm but sharp voice sounded around them, Caleb looked around to find the source. Above them on a balcony stood Yussa, hardly looking a day older than when Caleb had last met him. That was no surprise. As an elf, 20 years was but a blink of an eye. Caleb hoped he looked different enough himself for them not to be turned away immediately should Yussa think they were working with the Assembly. He also had not left Yussa’s company on the best of terms…

He did not want to mess this up for both his own safety and the interests of the Nein. 

The Nein began to negotiate a chance to talk. Caduceus offered to share tea and managed to do so with all the worry in his voice of two old friends chatting. For someone that only ever interacted with his family at the Blooming Grove, he had a way with people. 

Yussa agreed to talk with two of them. To Caleb, it sounded like he wanted collateral. He was being careful, as any smart mage should, but it made Caleb’s brain shoot off in twelve different directions as to what they had already done wrong. 

As part of the agreement, the two speaking were to also bring the objects of interest they had mentioned to the mage, the dodecahedron and the Happy-Fun Ball. This clause did nothing to lighten the oppressive _we’r_ _e-g_ _oing-into-som_ _ething-we-c_ _an’t-ba_ _ck-ou_ _t-of_ feeling dawning on Caleb as the interaction continued. 

Wrapped up in his thoughts, he almost missed Beauregard's awful attempt at subtly asking for Frumpkin. “Hey, Caleb.” If Beauregard thought she was being quiet, she was failing miserably. “Gimme-hey-gimme Frumpkin. To-you know.” She began miming binoculars and passing out. It got the point across, but she was missing her window to walk into the now open door into the tower. How did he miss that happening? His mind was moving too fast. 

He unceremoniously gave her a nudge and a significant ‘no’ look. 

“Ah. fu- why? I’m trying to help?” 

He gave her another shove and said in her ear, “This is not the time to be arguing, just go.” He was sure that Yussa could hear this whole thing. 

“Fine,” and as she walked into the door before it closed behind her, he saw her flick him off. 

He would be able to explain later. Not that he wanted to, but he would. ‘Yes, Beauregard, a mage that could crush us all with naught but a thought would find it incomprehensibly shifty and demeaning if he was being spied on by something that is very obviously a familiar.’ That encounter couldn’t end well for Frumpkin either. And although it wouldn’t kill him, Caleb knew how much Frumpkin preferred not to even temporarily die. 

With the closing of the stone door in the side of the tower, the Nein were left helpless and waiting, sans their monk and grave cleric. 

Despite the overall calming environment of Nicodranas and Jester’s numerous attempts at drawing him into a conversation, he only fell farther into a state of unease. Switching back and forth between his own vision and his familiar’s on his shoulder, he began to achieve a general state of calm watching his friends devise complex schemes about a prank to pull on Beau when she returned. 

As if to put a stop to his thoughts of worry, the door opened and he could see his friends in a plush but practical sitting room facing Yussa with neutral (in Beau’s case) and friendly (in Caduceus’ case) expressions. 

  
They weren’t dead. Yussa didn’t look displeased. And as Yussa beckoned them in with a gentle wave, the last thought that crossed Caleb’s mind before he was through the threshold of the door and would safely shut away thoughts and emotion was,  _ “You are being counted on, ja? Pull yourself together. Be better this time...” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! It's great to have people following the story! I hope everyone's new year went well and I hope you all have had a chance to catch up with CR, stuff is going dowwwwwn. 
> 
> Anyways, have a nice weekend my fine fiends, love you all. 
> 
> Is it Thursday yet? (No really, I can't wait until 124, 123 killed me)
> 
> Spoilers c2e122-3: Lucien has abandonment issues, Matt just wants to romance Liam's sad PCs with one of his purple NPCs (hello? Gilmore, Essek, AND Lucien?), and some of our favorite ships are canon! What could be better? Molly, I want him back. That could be better.


End file.
